it's my off today but i've got nothin much to do.. it's pretty hot and it makes me wanna go to mall and just stroll. eden and i were suppose to watch a movie last thursday but we ended up shopping and having food trip. i couldn't remember the last time i watched a movie.. anyway, speaking of movie, my cousin and i had a movie marathon last week. we watched alien resurrection (i got mesmerized with winona ryder.. ^_^), the story of us, and boys don't cry.. actually, i've already seen the story of us. but i just love the story and the lines in it. it's not that i can relate to them as i'm not even married, nor am i planning to be. basically it's about relationships. its highs and lows, and the personality clashes between the two people involved. typical scenarios typical couples usually encounter. i like the thing katie said about being in a relationship.. (which makes me think about it a lot of the time). we sometimes question ourselfves if we are happy with this person, or if ever we are, we would wonder if this is who we really are or this is just us with this person. which leads to another thought: "maybe there's another me with other person, might also be a much happier one.." in my life, i can't tell whether i'm Katie or Ben. well maybe a little bit of both.. in terms of relationships, i sort of prefer to be the "designated driver" but i don't put it in such a way that the other person would feel drained. but funny how i usually keep things to myself.. sometimes, i wouldn't really know what i want which turns out i'm the one being controlled in a way. and i don't want to be controlled or held too tight. i'm such a pain in the ass, i know.. on the other hand i don't seem to be concerned with ideas, feelings, emotions and the like, but i am (have i told you i'm a fuss baby?). maybe it's just that i've dealt too much with many things in my life and i no longer want drama.

anyway, you wouldn't believe this but one time while my mom and i were talking i asked if they already want to have a grandchild. then out of the blue i blurted "...coz i already want to have a baby" and the way i said it, it's like i badly need one right there and then. hahaa.. well, i must admit i'm serious about it. but not that i'm desperate or something.. umm, maybe i just want to have something to live for. i dunno..

sometimes i feel like i'm just merely killing time until the day i die. and heck, who wants to die without finding out their purpose? why is it so hard to be happy? i don't know if life's being harsh to me or it's just really me who's being harsh to myself. i can't understand why such feeling always overwhelms me. even when i know things are turning out pretty much fine, it's like something's still missing. i must say i haven't done yet with the searching. i'm still soul-searching. coz you know, it's hard to be happy when you don't really know what you want. and i'm afraid i might get stuck and couldn't get out of this.

well, enough of the drama. lol.. with regard to career, one more week and training is over. that could mean goodbye to him.. oh, and speaking of work i don't get it why there's a lot of politics there. we've been together for almost two months now and that span of time should be enough to somehow know the person. there are people within our group i'm comfortable with that i know who are being real. while there are also some who you may be comfortable with yet somehow gives you doubts if what they show is also the same as when you're not around. of course gossips will always be there. i dunno why but it became a habit in our office. and i'm also guilty of that. but actually, whatever i tell them or whatever they tell me about someone, i don't take it personally or against that person (am i being defensive here?) haha! anyway, have to go now.. my sister's gonna use the computer. toodles!