ok.. i think i better be airing this out once and for all. can you imagine what it's like talking to someone who just couldn't get you and everything you say or do? i would seldom say what i really feel. as much as i can keep it to myself, i will. as much as i can, i try to understand things. i know it has always been a problem. me not saying what i feel. me not being 'appreciative' of every single thing she does. me being so fucking rude with my reactions. blah blah blah...

it hurts to be accused of things you're not guilty of. although i know at times i tend to be so rude. and when i know i am, i'd just shut my mouth and wouldn't say a word. even when for sure she's gonna make a big deal out of my silence.

ugh! i know it happens all the time. but that shouldn't be an excuse. and i don't get it why we always fight even about the smallest of things. that's absurd. sometimes, i no longer know how to deal with it, with her. i know she feels the same way too. i don't want this in detailed as i'm still trying to figure things out.. i admit, it's so nice of her to be the one to say 'sorry' every time we argue although i know i should be the one to say it. but it's just not so me. sorry, for me, is one of the hardest things to say. that's why i kind of feel a pinch inside me whenever one says that to me. the only thing is that i hope it's sincere. coz i felt degraded the last time we fought, when she said sorry and all that.. even she asked for 'solicited advice' as to how to prevent the same thing to happen again. then at the middle of the conversation i said at least i know now what to do to whenever she'd fall asleep (or to wake her up), then she said "yeah, you just have to be plain rude"

so there. the thing is i know i should've said sorry. after all, it might only be the thing one wants to hear when get offended (intentional or unintentional) but i just don't wanna say it unless i mean it. you don't know how it feels to hear a 'seemingly sincere' sorry from a person then afterwards would remind you just how cruel you were, when you really didn't mean to make her feel bad at all.


I'M SORRY! but i just gotta let this out. i know just how rude or harsh (whatever you wanna call me) i am sometimes. and for that, i wanna say sorry.. but i also need to let you know that i too, get hurt sometimes. you seldom hear my sentiments nor rants so please try to comprehend, for you don't know how i feel. but anyway, i would want to believe that it's all bec of the pains i've caused you. i really am sorry, not just for what happened the other night..

well, i guess a little space will do us good.