I couldn't describe what I'm going through right now. Have you ever felt that? Like you're so full of emotions and you know you have to release it even just by writing, but it seems you're lacking with words to best describe that feeling? And to complicate things, you don't even know what that 'thing' is..

More often than not I find myself confused with alot of things. Just like this very moment.. I couldn't tell whether I'm happy or sad. Or maybe I'm happy. Just that am afraid the feeling might be in a jiffy. I can't explain but I love the feeling. I've never felt such tranquility.

I knew I've also been so apathetic the past few days. OMG, How could I be so harsh? I said I've been drained from that relationship when in fact the problem was on me. Even I did things without thinking of the repercussions. I might have reasons but still it was so selfish of me. But I admit, it was not that easy. They say you should always try to hold on to that someone you know will always be there no matter what, someone you know will still love you even when you fuck up, even might be the only person who'll love you the way you want to be loved. But i don't know. Maybe that's really the nature of things. Something may seem wrong no matter how perfect things can be. Whatever, i don't wanna indulge into thinking of something that already came to an end. Well I hope this is rather a start of a good friendship. Such a jerk! (Isn't that too much to ask?) I know you've suffered enough for the past two years (what a slap in the face) and I would understand if you're gonna curse me to hell. really..

But I have to thank you coz it seems to turn out quite all right. Well, enough of my trashy sentiments.. There are emotions too strong for words and should be locked inside instead, i guess..

Going back to the previous part of this post.. I'm not saying it's the reason why I'm feeling serene. Don't get me wrong. It has nothing to with that, ok! Am I being defensive here? (hahaha)

Let's just say I've been a slave of my ownself. It's hard to explain.. But I pretty much like myself now. I've seen both sides; I've been up and I've been down. And I no longer want to go back to that point of my life where everything seemed miserable. I've realized there's so much to smile about, even when things are nothing but a mess. Who said we can't be happy without being contented? That is just a state of mind. Does being contented stop you from sailing? Do we really need to have the things we wished for in order to be happy? What if destiny wouldn't permit us to have those things? Does it mean we're not entitled to be happy?

We can strive to be happy even without the things that we want to have in life. Go figure this; What if all your life you've waited for this person to come and fill you in. But for some reasons, it's just not meant to be. Your world would suddenly stop spinning, only to realize you have wasted time looking for that happiness that was always there all along. I guess we all have to realize that happiness doesn't come from anyone else but rather lies within us. It even sometimes comes through doors we didn't know we left open. Of course it's easier said than done. Personally, I've learned the hard way. And am still learning. I would stumble and fall but manage to just smile and laugh more often. I believe only God knows what would make us truly happy.. Why not treat everyday as the first day of the rest of your life; or could be the last..? Nothing will happen the same way again.