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| so this is christmas, and what have i done |
| 12.24.07 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
|
Four hours to go before Christmas. I should be celebrating, I know. However, for some obvious reasons I really can’t feel its spirit. It’s been quite a while since I felt so confused and I honestly and desperately want to be out of this dilemma I’m currently into. Anyway, the reason I was referring to has something to do with what happened the other night during a party. And let me just tell you, that was the dumbest, most humiliating thing I’ve ever done in my life that I could never forgive myself for. We went to Ghia’s house last Saturday for our Christmas party. Of course you would expect to have a drinking session which we did a little late that night. I couldn’t barely remember everything, all I know was I got so drunk. I recalled some of it, like how I kept on giving Ghia some strange look and pushing her away from her (don’t wanna mention her name) also, I was able to remember the part where I went upstairs and found her lying in bed, I don’t know why, but god, how I loved it when I saw her sleeping. I laid close to her and I kept on hugging and kissing her. Fuck! I really didn’t know what came into me! So there, the next day we were all talking about what happened that night and somebody kept on mentioning how drunk I was. Although I remember some of it, there were some things I really didn’t know I did which even made me think they were just making it all up. Later I got convinced I really did that and I just suddenly felt so sorry for myself and for her. Fuck, how could I be so weak not to be able to control myself? They said I was kissing her all over while we were drinking, and when someone gave her a candy or something from her mouth to hers, I slapped her. It was so embarrassing that I don’t wanna mention it in detail. Before, I wouldn’t believe it when someone would say they didn’t know they’ve done something because they were drunk. What I thought, then, was it’s impossible for you not to remember anything. And that’s just an overused excuse to get away with it. But that night proved me wrong coz to be brutally honest, I really couldn’t remember any of it. I know it made them think I’m jealous or there was something going on between us, or that I’m just sickeningly crazy. But whatever came into me, whatever made me do that, I just don’t wanna know. It wouldn’t change anything. And it wouldn’t take away the pain I’ve caused her. Now, it’s Christmas Eve, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I just feel so sorry for myself. I know I betrayed them in a way, and gave them all the negative things they could think of of me. I still feel bad especially about the fact that I made her feel so small and disrespected. Sigh.. I do miss her and if only I could bring it back, I will.. Anyway, it’s almost Christmas and here I am, whining. It doesn’t seem right. But I know things are gone be…less bad? Lolz. As of now, I wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas. And to some who might have grudges or anything (like me) whatever it is that you’re going through, keep your hopes high and never lose the spirit. I don’t wanna lose the spirit of Christmas so guess I’m outta here. Happy Holidays! Looking forward to another fruitful year with all of you, my dear tbloggers! Bye! |
| 2 Comments |