the rain to the wind said,
"you push and i'll pelt."
they so smote the garden bed
that the flowers actually knelt,
and lay lodged-though not dead.
i know how the flowers felt.

~Robert Frost


i can't seem to organize my thoughts as of the moment. there's just a strong, overwhelming emotion that suddenly embraced me. such strong there couldn't be any word to describe it. hopefully, i can manage to talk about it some other time.. meanwhile, i'd like to share something about goodbyes from the book 'praying our goodbyes' by joyce rupp.. hence, the signifanct goodbyes i'm currently dealing with..

The Ache of Particular Goodbyes

"Goodbyes are a part of every single day. Sometimes we choose them, and sometimes they choose us. Usually they are small, not so significant losses that do not pain us very much, but at times they are deep, powerful, wounding experiences that trail around our hearts and pain inside of us for years.

What is a goodbye? It is an empty place in us. It is any situation in which there is some kind of loss, some incompleteness, when a space is created in us that cries out to be filled. Goodbyes are any of those times when we find ourselves without a someone or a something that has given our life meaning and value, when a dimension of our life seems to be out of place or unfulfilled. Goodbyes are all of those experiences that leave us with a hollow feeling someplace deep inside."

james
ramil
janet
jet
vanessa

**this is not the end. rather, just a beginning of a new chapter. and those fond memories shared will keep our hearts company forever..

looking forward to seeing you all again

you will be surely missed..

yo, how's it goin guys? just got home from work.. there, we already met the business support team from texas. and.. uhh.. no comment. :D it's too early to say anything besides i'm not in the position. however, this work-related tension doesn't seem to be getting better. we all miss ramil and james. :( somehow, things are different. and you know, they're both good and they sure such a loss in the company. but there's nothing that we can do. come monday, claim training class will start and it's another pressure for us. another certification process.. what a hassle..

anyway, don't wanna ruin my day because of that. a while ago i stayed for a couple 'hours with sue, alice and co after the shift. how i missed them.. also i don't know why i'm feeling so happy. i was so hyper earlier and up to now i just feel good. could it be because i saw vanessa? heheh.. i saw her twice this morning and the last time before that was last saturday. she gave me crinkles and she also gave me her e-mail add and contact number so we can stay in touch. did i say she's leaving this sunday? sigh.. don't you just hate goodbyes? oh, but she would come back by august. so no goodbyes.. :)

current mood: happy; tranquil <adj: characterized by absence of emotional agitation; "calm acceptance of the inevitable"; "remained serene in the midst of turbulence">

current song: fine time by eraserheads

"I hope we could spend more time together
A few hours is better than never
If we could only make it longer
A whole day would be fine..."

well well, i haven't updated for quite some time now.. nothing is new, same old thing. in terms of work i could say i've had enough of the politics and backstabbing. it's not that there are rumors about me that i can hear. but you know the feeling like you know people are talking behind your back and could tell it by their looks and gestures? i don't wanna be paranoid or something. and the hell i care to those people who'd try to ruin my day.. and i'm talking in general as i know i'm not the type who would waste time with non-sense stuffs. but still it depends on the person. just like how it saddens me to see how the once solid friendship falls apart. i don't even want to recall or think how it started but damn, you're dealing with them every single fuckin day of your life. and do they have idea how hard the situation is for me..

and to make things clear. i have this friend in the office who they don't like. as i've said we all used to be friends but it came to a point that they no longer want everything that my friend's doing with her life. and i agree with what they're saying. however, not knowing what to do and where to go, i have found myself in a dilemma to choose between them and my friend. well, it's not like i've chosen to stay with her because as much as possible i'm trying to keep the bond i've made with each one of them. i'm hoping that, if not at this time, things will turn out fine in God's own time. but if not, guess i would have to deal with things in the most civilized manner possible. i know i'm not being an asshole choosing her over them coz even so, i still make it a point to make her understand the things she ought to know which aren't suppose to come from anyone else but her. i know she's been through a lotta shit and i don't know how to go through it all if it happens to me (which i hope not). and what do you know, eden is so fuckin stubborn ugh! but i love her though and i feel like she's my responsibility. it would be so miserable caught up in a situation where you realize everyone's left you and you're nowhere to go.

i'm trying to do what i know is right. and i do things for certain reasons. not that i'll tolerate you when you fuck up or mess with your life. i'm gonna lead you to where you should go though not to the point of controlling you. even in any relationships or in marriage, you are one; still two different personalities. they have life, you have your own either. same goes with friendship.. anyone can kill me now for blabbing these damn things for i always say i'm not a good friend. and i know that, really.. but we do define that word differently. well anyway, enough of that.. it's pretty late now and i should be sleeping but it seems i want to write more. uh lemme see.. oh, when i got home this morning, i saw a pussy cat (lol) outside our door and she doesn't have a right eye. i wanted to pick her up and hold her in my arms but i scared her and went away. then i put some foods i had with me on the floor. i left the door open, had my clothes changed, and after awhile i saw her eating the food i left. i don't know why but i was so touched i even cried. maybe i missed crying. i haven't cried for such a long time and sometimes it feels good. there are some things and people in my life that i also misss. one was crying.. i miss my family, it feels so empty now.. my dad, which i haven't seen for so long now. he didn't celebrate chistmas and new year with us. i miss my sister, i should bond with her this weekend. that is if she doesn't have any plans with her bf. lol.. i miss my cousins, my old friends. i didn't see joey the last time she was here. gen, whatever happened to you? fuck give me a call! miss mohit.. i miss jhoy. and.. there. oh, and i miss joice too. heheh, of course. billlyryan crossed my mind just at this moment. how i miss the old tbloggers.. :sigh:

gotta go now. toodles!

***
vanessa will be leaving at the end of this month. 
she's still here, but i miss her already...