I always wonder if there is really someone that’s meant for each one of us. You would always hear them say; someone is dreaming of you somewhere out there, just as you are dreaming of this person you are yet to meet. Well, personally I don’t know if I should believe this. Umm.. maybe partly. I mean, not that I am holding on to this thought. I can’t also say whether I’m a hopeless romantic or what. But with the things that I used to hear, and with the knowledge that I know about it.. I just can’t tell. Laughs! No, uh, I’m not really an expert when it comes to matters of the heart but my friends would always say I’m like “Dyosa ng Love Quotes and Payos”, Answering Machine, and all that. They say I seem to know a lot from these when I talk like I am saying, “been-there, done-that!” But on the contrary, no. Definitely no, especially when talking to experiences. And hey, did I mention that I belong to this federation NBSB (No BF Since Birth)? Haha! Believe it or not but in my 21 years never did I feel how it is to be in love. I mean, I don’t even know the feeling coz I would always hesitate. When I’m aware that I’m going to fall further I tend to hold back. And I don’t know why.

It’s tough to pretend you don’t feel the stigma of being single in a society that seems to celebrate coupledom. All around you the “marrieds” have their family-full lives and constant companionship, and there you are— in full Ally McBeal-ish spinster splendor.

Not until with this guy I met thru chatting some 2 months ago. Honestly, it’s a very rare thing. I didn’t think it could happen to me and that we’d be closer than I had expected. My idea of having this special connection to someone you don’t even know at all suddenly changed. Before I used to say chatting is just a waste of time most esp. e-dating or actually having a bf or gf you just met thru the net. But I admit, even before I get to chat once in a while. At first just because of plain curiosity. I got the idea how it really goes but then I still do. Nothing, sometimes I just get bored, sometimes it’s also good having to meet different kinds of people. There are those who are nasty or just after something, but at times, when you are lucky, you get to meet people who are serious and decent enough. So there, I met Mohit. The guy I mentioned earlier.

I can’t validate my feelings. But he is certainly special. I didn’t know it’s happening. What do I know? I’m having a great time, and.. and I don’t even know it. I didn’t notice how things went too fast. All I know is when I talk to him, it’s like you’re the only person in this world. Mohit makes me feel special and every conversation we have is always fruitful, worth reminiscing that is. I don’t get bored and he makes it easy for me to show my real self and I know he feels that way too. He knows how to let things just stay up in the air. We talk things that only the two of us can understand. In other words, it’s something that I’m always looking forward to everyday.

On the other hand, I can’t deny the fact that it’s good to be single. Nothing to worry about, having your freedom and all, and just plainly having the time of your life!

And by the way, I don’t see myself getting married. Of course I believe in marriage but I don’t think that’s my scene. Maybe it has something to do with my being realistic. And realization sometimes is right there in front of you. To see those marriages turned into nothing, the next thing you know you’re an urban legend.

But just in case I get to realize that I would rather swallow it all and enter into something with a lot of uncertainties at stake than to forever live alone that’s more miserable, maybe, just maybe, I would have to reconsider it.

According to Ally McBeal, never settle with someone who you think is just the only one and not the one. But a friend of mine (Gen), told me once “who knows who we would end up with?” And it made me ponder. Hmm.. all I can say is whoever that is, he should be the man who would make or break me. Someone who wouldn’t just rock my bed but also my world.

There’s a lot of changes that’s been happening around lately. Much of the changes that have taken place in my life.

Two weeks ago I have had to say goodbye to my best friend. It was hard. I didn’t come to take her to the airport though. Dammit! I can’t. I could even hardly bear to imagine seeing her leaving. You know; the parting time, the moment you have to say your last words, I mean not necessarily that, but the thought of losing her, and that when will you ever see each other again.

Of course I felt guilty. How could I be so stupid! But you see, I’m not really the type of person who shows concern. It would take me a lot of courage to say “I Love You” to a friend or to anybody close to me, even a goodbye kiss or a hug. And take note: even if I know that’s the least I can do for a person. Argh!!! And I curse myself for that! I can relate to Samantha in the series Sex and the City. There was one episode where a mother of one of their friends died and the two kept thinking ways on how to console their friend, and she.. nothing! She didn’t bother to just give her a call to say I love you, I’m here for you.. and when they finally see her at the church and she felt it’s her turn to say something, all that she ever blurted out was, “you look great!” Laughs! Oh, but I don’t think I could do that!

Going back, I’ve always had this feeling like I’ve known her (my best friend) for all my life. Uh, we were high school pals. We belong to one group in freshmen but not until we became classmates again in senior high that we really got to know each other well. We both used to say, “why only now?” We knew so much time had been wasted…

You know the feeling like when you really love the person you know a lifetime is not enough to be with them. I dunno what’s with Joey but she’s certifiably (to borrow a term from Korina) one true friend. I have a very high regard to this person. Simply one-of-a-kind. That’s why when she left, she took away with her the biggest part of me. Somehow things hadn’t been the same.

It’s difficult when the thing that’s giving you enough strength & one of the reasons why you keep struggling on to live is gone. But on the other hand, I know she’s just there. All those memories we’ve shared through out the years, the laughters & tears that were shed, the ups & downs (times when you actually thought of giving it all up), every tidbits & tiniest reasons of why you still keep holding on… everything will never be forgotten no matter what, no matter how. And that’s certain.